“Come, thou mortal wretch, with thy sharp teeth this knot intrinsicate of life untie. Poor venomous fool, be angry and dispatch….” Cleopatra in Anthony and Cleopatra by William Shakespeare
About 93 miles off the coast of Brazil lies Ilha da Queimada Grande. As they might say in Star Trek “this is an island, Jim but not as you know it!” Unauthorised visiting is illegal. Visiting requires the permission of the Brazilian Navy. They are not likely to say yes. You might like to bribe a local fisherman but risk being put off by one of their tales of the fate awaiting visitors.
So is this island harbouring deadly germs from historic warfare experiments? Was it the site of nuclear research and now lies, Chernobyl style, contaminated and uninhabitable? Well it is none of these that makes the island so uninviting; it is in fact its wildlife. Ilha da Quimada Grande is home to snakes and quite a lot of them. There are estimated to be between one and five snakes per square metre but these are no ordinary snakes. The only snake living on the island, in fact the only living thing on the island, is a unique species of pit viper. The golden lancehead pit viper is responsible for around 90% of Brazilian mainland snakebite-related fatalities. They grow to well over half a metre long, and they possess a powerful fast-acting venom that melts the flesh around bite areas.
Fisherman on the mainland like to tell the story of the fate of the last island lighthouse keeper. Lanceheads forced their way into the lighthouse and when the keeper and his family fled, they were pounced on by vipers waiting in the surrounding trees and bushes.
You might ask how the vipers survive given there is no other wildlife on the island. This is resolved by a steady flow of birds migrating up and down the coast of Brazil who use the island as one of the few service stations available on route. Arrivals are quickly spotted and pounced upon by the waiting, hungry lanceheads.
Given the attractions of Quimada Grande I have turned my mind to a shortlist of visitors who might benefit from an encounter with the snakes – one way tickets would only be necessary. This is my shortlist of five but no doubt you might have candidates of your own.
Top of my list sits Donald Trump. He would not believe stories about what might await him, dismissing the snakes as fake news and their venom as a hoax. He would be easily motivated to take the trip with the opportunity for a photo call with his mini me, the Brazilian President Bolsonaro. In the event of a little snake nip, a swig of bleach should see him all right.
Second person to sit in the boat would be Boris Johnson. Despite his love of all things world-leading he has in fact led the UK into the worse recession among G7 countries in addition to allowing the UK to have the worst Coronavirus excess death rate amongst industrialised countries. Our total number of deaths sits only behind the US, Brazil and India. His response to the epidemic can only be described as incompetent. Critical shortages of personal protective equipment, starting then stopping track and trace, failing to stop potentially infected people flying into the UK in March, starting and then stopping testing, the failed track and trace App which lies marooned on the Isle of Wight, discharging hundreds of NHS patients into care homes without testing thereby creating a massive outbreak in homes, locking down too late and numerous U-turns (13 at the last count) on various aspects of the crisis clearly warrants Boris’s place on the boat to hell.
Our third passenger must be Nigel Farage. A skilled promoter of hate, division and the grievance culture with a specialism in xenophobia. Any opportunity to further the cultural wars never missed. If there is a fire around, he can be guaranteed to pour petrol on it. A man without shame who happily took the handsome salary of a member of the European Parliament for years while doing little Parliamentary work beyond constantly slagging it off. He can easily be lured to snake island as his big buddy Trump will be there.
And now onwards to Michael Gove. Michael earns his place for being the head fibber during the Brexit Referendum. So let’s list a few – the UK would have the same benefits outside the Single Market as it enjoyed as a member, numerous trade deals (40 springs to mind) with other world powers would be ready the day we left the EU, a new deal with the EU was oven ready, a dramatic reduction in migration, all workers and environmental rights would be protected, no change to the Northern Ireland/Republic border arrangements and it certainly would not be moved into the North Sea! And finally, the best-known whooper – an extra $350m a week for the NHS. All these “contract” guarantees with the British people have been broken, so a period of reflection for Michael on Snake Island would be a good idea although it would likely be short.
And surely the final place must go to Dominic Cummings. There cannot be a better place for an eye test than Snake Island.
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